Gratitude.
Friday, I asked my prayer group, “What are you thankful for?”
My friend said she was grateful she hadn’t experienced any real tragedy in her life —
that God had blessed her.
Her words stung.
I quickly remembered the tragedy that struck my young family
when You, God, allowed our covering to die suddenly
in a random accident.
The way it unraveled and rattled us.
My life riddled with loss, survival, and hope.
Still, I keep pressing forward,
trusting You that it will get better.
I seldom ask questions —
but I keep things in,
trusting You despite what it looks like.
The blessing of faith has been waning, Lord.
I am starting to accept things as they are,
not hoping for anything more.
Why?
Because I believe in Your omniscience and omnipotence.
But riddle me this, Lord:
Why does my heart long for more?
Why does it feel like —
just beyond this hill I am climbing —
is what I have hoped for?
Why so long?
I sit down more often as I climb.
The air is thinner up here,
and I grow tired more quickly.
Lord, the rocks are sharper now.
They cut when I slip.
You keep me from deep gashes,
but it hurts nonetheless.
Your Word comforts me —
yet sometimes I feel delusional,
like everything I believed
was only an illusion.
Has the devil rattled my mind with loss of hope?
Has he tensed my nervous system with acts and triggers from hypotheticals?
Does he keep bringing strangers along the path to delay me —
hoping I will tire of the journey and give up?
Did he want me to forget
that longsuffering is a fruit of the Spirit?
Is he upset
that despite all that has come against me,
I am still here?
Still beating?
Is he?
Is he trying to defeat me?
“Be anxious for nothing,
but in everything, by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving,
submit your requests to God.”
Lord, release me.
Release me from the anxiety of my mind.
From the men who entered my life
making me feel unworthy,
triggering the memory
that I lack covering.
Help me, Lord,
to stand firm in Your Word
and defeat the wiles of the devil.
Help me to have the mind of Christ.
Help me study Your Word more.
Help me see beyond the cloud of lies
that reappear as I progress on this journey.
Keep me, Lord, in the Secret Place,
so my mind can rest in You.
Help me forgive myself —
for decisions I made
and decisions I did not make.
Keep my feet from feeling like cement blocks.
Help me, Lord,
for I trust in You —
my Rock,
my Salvation,
my Friend,
my First Love.
Selah.
Psalms 130
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